Catatonic Marathon

Did you watch WWF wrestling when you were a kid?  If so, have you paused in your adult life to consider how truly bizarre those televised events were?  I have, and to me, there was no single aspect of WWF wrestling more bizarre than the promotional spots each wrestler made before and after each match, during which they pumped up their images, smack-talked their opponent, and reacted to the canned drama spoon-fed by the “reporters” conducting the interviews for the spots.

Not surprisingly, hundreds upon hundreds of these videos can be found on Youtube.  Within the span of a few lunch breaks this week, I browsed dozens of WWF video spots featuring faces I hadn’t seen or thought about in years — the Ultimate Warrior, “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan, Legion of Doom, Rowdy Roddy Piper, Bret “The Hitman” Hart, and, the king of it all, “Macho Man” Randy Savage.

The WWF, which became WWE long after my childhood ended, is truly one of America’s strangest entertainment offerings.  Stranger still is its popularity — the bona fide professional sports league founded in 1952 somewhere along the way begat the circus of overhyped, poorly-acted fights featuring shiny, steroid-fueled characters playing out unimaginative revenge sagas.  The WWE is still going strong today, employing more folding chairs, steel cages and carefully-engineered elbow-drops than ever.

It’s all in the same corner as our tabloid magazines and reality TV shows.  We know it’s fake, we know it’s terrible, and we can’t get enough.  Welcome to America, and to the surreal world of WWF promos.

Let’s start with what’s probably the most popular vintage WWF promo on YouTube.  The late “Macho Man” Randy Savage sputters nonsense, name-dropping his infamous love, Elizabeth, and wanders around in his tight, awkward stance, snorting and grunting through his lines.  Nobody played the part like Randy, and even today I find a ton of humor and maniacal charm in his performances and dedication to his character.

1985: Hulk Hogan explains to Gene Okerlund and all of us why the people of Oakland “get off” on him, and why Brutus Beefcake should watch out.

In this clip, audio problems make an already terrible 1995 Diesel promo spot truly horrible, with enjoyable results.

Jake “The Snake” Roberts is really a gross looking man.  I love the Undertaker’s reaction when Jake whacks him with the chair.

More classic Macho Man here:

1990: The Ultimate Warrior threatens to sabotage Hulk Hogan’s airplane so he dies in a fiery crash. Fake or not, this is actually pretty much completely insane.

Finally, here are some clips from the IPW years (International Pro Wrestling) from the early 1980s.  The contrast is to the WWF spots is stark — not only are the IPW production values and speech intensity non-existent, but the wrestlers themselves look like they hold down day jobs at Radio Shack. This first one is Jeff Farmer, who would probably lose a fight with a dewy blade of grass.

IPW: Tony the Spider

IPW: Riche Rouge

This will probably be the last time I blog about pro wrestling, or wrestling of any kind. But it’s not the last time I’ll peruse YouTube’s vast collection of WWF and IPW promos, fascinating and feeble.